A note about names

I don't think I want to name my son Half-Assed Kitchen.

Dig collar.

Roadkill

Got another good one about my family:

Aunt Shirley is having her second baby and Uncle Luke is driving her to the hospital. On the way, her water breaks and seeps through her pants, which she promptly removes, a towel, and some other absorber Uncle Luke threw at her to protect the car. Anyways, she makes it there safely and Luke goes home to tend to their first child while she's in labor. Later on (I'm not sure how much later, days I'd assume) Luke comes back to the hospital and picks Shirley up. On the drive home Shirley asks Luke what he did with all the stuff her water broke on. His reply? They were wet so he chucked em out the window while he was going down the highway. Good family.

La Femme D'argent.

My boy

More Garrett quotes:

"Just to let you know, I worry a lot."
also
"Miles, you got some dumb friends."

Then, upon meeting said dumb friend he says "You're a dungus"

Hahahaha, I love him so. Only a few more weeks til he moves, and he's not coming to Sunny Day anymore before he leaves :(

I don't want him to go.

Super Crap

Soooo a worthless super power to have would be that you could tell what song people had stuck in their head if you watched how they moved when they washed themselves in the shower. Completely and unequivocally useless.

Analyist + Therapist = Analrapist.

Garrett

Got a couple of quotes from Sunny Day:

Me: *entering the big room, seeing all the boxes of clothes / dishes dumped ALL over the room* Garrett, what happened in here?

Garret: I farted!

Or another good one when a mom came to pick up her daughter:

Mom: Make sure when you guys put sunscreen on that you load her up, otherwise she'll fry like a paperclip in a microwave.

Hahahaha, man I love my job. I love Garrett, too. One of my most favorite boys by far. I'm going to be sad when he moves away :(

Tarnation.

Uncle Mikey

Sooo my mom wakes up at 1am and decides to tell me stories while she's hangin out and eating chips and dip. This is how it goes: I have 3 aunts and apparently I had an uncle Mikey. Anyways, Mikey dies and they cremate him and put him in a coffee can in the trunk of their car. Uncle Mikey's ashes stay in that can for a good few months or years or some shit. One night, after the 3 aunts had been out drinkin, they get stuck in the ditch. Now, it's the dead of winter so they're stuck in the snow and they've got no traction. They're also quite intoxicated. What do they decide to do? They lay Uncle Mikey's ashes down underneath the tires and peel on out of there. Problem solved. Uncle Mikey is now one with the Earth.....and their tires. Man I love my family.

Wiggle jiggle.

Let's see how much your ass knows about flyin'

I've decided whenever I say "absolutely" I'm actually going to say it more like this:

Abso *breath* LUTELY

I'm not going to yell the last part, just emphasize it.

Abso-LUTELY.

Yuck

Neapolitan ice cream looks gross. I don't care if they're the old standby flavors, still looks gross. Also, I drink syrup. The real stuff, not that store-bought crap.

Barrel O' Monkeys.

Irrationality

What if I go to someone's house that I've never been to and their house is EXACTLY the same as mine?

Chapstick.

A bad compliment

I have a cat named Tigger, and he's like 14. That means he's really 98 or something like that in cat years, if you believe the whole 7-to-1 ratio for cats. Or was that dogs? Either way, he's an old fart of a cat. All he does is fart around the house and sleep. Anyways, even though he's been knockin about on the Earth for quite some time, he still has a youthful face. This lead me to a 10 second or so thought process before my morning cereal that went like this:

Boy does he still have a youthful face. Does that mean cats usually don't age in the face? I think that'd be a good compliment for a woman. "You age like a cat" because then it'd be like saying their face is wrinkle free and youthful, right? No wait, women wouldn't take it like that. They'd probly think I mean the whole 7-to-1 thing and they actually look like they're 27,000 as opposed to 27. That's a bad compliment. What cereal am I eating today?

For the record, I don't remember if dogs are 7-to-1 and cats are like 5-to-1 or something like that. It's not scientific and I'm too lazy to Google.

I am a scientist.

Today's Big Profound Theory

Okay so a few posts back I wrote about the blond one I work with who thinks I'm "super hot!" Well today, as I was washing dishes and minding my own business, she starts in with this amazing theory she came up with. It goes a little something like this: They should "re-legalize marijuana because before it was illegalized" (which is not a word) "there was no cancer." Her evidence for this? "You didn't hear about all this cancer before it was illegalized." ARE YOU SHITTING ME?! I don't even know where to start to point out how many things are wrong with this sentence. I don't have 3 years to name how many flaws there are in her theory. Guess what? Cancer has ALWAYS BEEN AROUND. More causes exist, I will admit that. But she doesn't mean that at all. She just means Marijuana is the cure-all for cancer and because it's "illegalized" everyone's getting it. GUESS FUCKIN WHAT? CAVEMEN GOT CANCER TOO! Cancer has always been around and cells have always been malfunctioning and causing death. It's how things work. Just because you want to get high does not mean that it's a cure-all drug. Sorry to the people who want it legalized but you're gonna need some better fuckin advocates than Genius McAwesometheory on your side.

Rum dums.

Sugar Smacks

So one time when I was 8 I was watching cartoons and I always ate sugar smacks with my cartoons. If you don't know what those are, look them the hell up. Anyways, my parents went to town because we were out of milk or they were gonna go watch art or some shit. Either way, I can't NOT have sugar smacks with my cartoons. Being the ingenious problem solver that I was, I decided to pour water in the bowl instead of milk. Let me tell you something, sugar smacks do NOT taste good with water. I ate em all anyways.

Chubbly bubbly.