Monday, December 20, 2010

Gotta nuke somethin....

Every time I drive to Eau Claire from my house I go through this little podunk town of 300 some (I made that number up based on its 4 houses, restaurant and gas station. Close enough.) called Junction City. I've decided that, were there a nuclear holocaust and a post-apocalyptic nation resulted, I would start civilization anew there. Just in case you were wondering where to go should something like that happen, go to Junction City. I'm runnin the place and it's gonna kick a little ass.

Oddbox.

Saturday, December 18, 2010

Minding my own business...

So I was digging through my pantry and found a few containers of cookies my grandma had dropped off. Knowing the cookies were going to be hard as rocks (almost literally), I decided I'd go for some of the softer looking baked goods. I pulled out some filled pastry looking thing and then became disgusted as I realized it was filled with prunes or dates or some volatile mixture of the two.

I asked my mom if my nose was correct in assuming what was in them. She simply replied, "Yup! Hunny, pooping's in our blood. Everyone in the family loves prunes/dates. Pooping's in our blood."

Dear god, never repeat those words again while I'm trying to find something sweet to eat.

Pfefferschei├če.

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Big Fish

Don't you ever insult Ewan McGregor in front of me. Ever! DON'T DO IT!

Liquid.

Sunday, October 17, 2010

My struggle

I have 8am classes every day so I wake up at about 6:30. Wellll, I TRY to wake up every day at 6:30. Lately, I've been at odds with my sleep self. I call him Sleep Miles and he's my worst enemy. The worst part is he's beating me with his eyes closed. The first battle happened one morning when I woke up an hour after my alarm with my phone in my hand. It was on silent and 4 of my 5 alarms were turned completely off. Furious with Sleep Miles, I got a watch with an alarm to fool him.

I woke up to my watch alarm the first day, haven't woken up to it since. Sleep Miles adapts faster than I can fool him. I figured the best plan of attack was to move my alarm so I'd have to get up to turn it off. Next day I woke up 20 minutes late, phone in hand and on silent, and all my alarms except 1 turned off. The last one was on snooze but the phone was on silent so it didn't matter. That means Sleep Miles had to physically GET UP, find the phone, take it off where I had it HANGING, turn off the alarms, put the phone on silent, and get back in bed.

My latest idea is that I hung my phone in a different spot off of a pipe so it was right next to my ear or face, cranked the volume up, set my alarm on my watch and tried to sleep with it by my ear, and he still ALMOST BEAT ME! I just happened to wake up with 2 alarms still about to go off and I was on time. Tonight, the battle begins again. We shall see who is the victor.

Power user.

A note about chips

If you nickname one chip before you eat it, it's polite to nickname every one thereafter before you eat them.

Cleavage furrow.

Monday, September 13, 2010

What's the opposite of cheese?

So we've all heard the cliche pickup lines like "Nice shoes" and stuff like that. Obviously none of it works anymore because it's been used ad nauseum and become cliche. I wonder what it would've been like to be the first guy to come up with that though. Think about it, he's chillin on a rock one day cleaning his beard and mane out from the latest kill with a bone or whatever. Our friend, we'll call him Oog, goes up to Ulga (that's our caveman...ita. Cavemanita, or chick caveman) and says "Nice...fur moccasin thingys" to her. Obviously, since no one has ever heard that compliment before, it worked like MAGIC. Oog must've had caveladies for the rest of his 17-ish year life-span. Lucky Oog.

What is this, a rewrite?

Monday, August 30, 2010

Trippin hot chocolate

Since I'm kinda dyslexic I read the post below this one and thought I saw "Trippin hot chocolate" and I just woke up from a nap so I was wondering what the heck I just wrote. Also, someone is smoking a cigar near my room and the smoke keeps blowing in. I'ma kick someone in the teeth.

Tennis toast.

Tropical hot chocolate?

Sometimes I leave my drink in the car just sitting in the cup holder and then it gets warm and gross but I drink it anyways cuz it'd be a shame to waste it. Recently I left my tropical flavored Fuze in the car and in direct sunlight. When I got back to the car, the Fuze was hot. Not just warm from sitting in the car, it was actually HOT. Not wanting to waste it, I tipped it back. I think from now on whenever I'm bored I'll take some Fuze and warm it up in the microwave. Hot tropical drink is good.

Tea children.

Thursday, August 26, 2010

Wait a sudden...

Okay, so we all know the saying "All of a sudden..." right? So, in essence, that's saying "All of one sudden" therefore saying a "sudden" is a measurement of time, correct? If this is true, how long is a sudden? Is it faster than an instant or shorter? Could you tell someone to wait a sudden? Or possible, if you were REALLY fast, tell them to wait HALF of a sudden?

Ein.

Sunny Day Quote

So one of my favorite little girls (from Sunny Day) says the most random crap no one would ever think of. Her latest quote is:

"When I'm rich I'm going to buy a brand new car and fill it with old guys!"

Um, okay hahahaha. In case you were curious she's the girl who does my answering machine. That's why it's so random.

818 Valley.

Sunday, August 22, 2010

Truck red?

When my brother and I were little and had nothing else to do we would play this game where we said 2 words really fast and then we would try to guess which one was being said first and which was second. So, one would start "Red truck red truck red truck red truck red truck red truck red truck..." etc and then at some point the other would guess. Obviously you can tell I started with "red" up there but it's different in real life. I'm pretty sure I was a pro.

Two comma kids.

Juicey Juice

So when I was little I would open up the Welche's juice concentrate containers, the one with the frozen stuff, and just eat that with a spoon because when I made it into juice it was ALWAYS too watered down. No matter how little water I put in it just wasn't good. I need the pure stuff.

Where are my dungus clothes?

Monday, July 19, 2010

You heard it here. Checkerpong.

Yeah, I invented a game called Checkerpong on July 16th, 2010 at Sunny Day Site #2. Anyone who tries to steal it is a butt. Rules to follow soon!

The best policy?

I think if I was 100% honest (maybe to the point of brutality, or reality in my opinion) I wouldn't have as many friends as I do. They wouldn't like what I have to say.

Letters from the Sky.

Thursday, July 15, 2010

Randy Beaman

One time okay see one time Randy Beaman's mom had a dream that she ate a big marshmallow and it was really good and she and when she woke up her pillow was gone cuz she ate it.

K bye.

Going to Eau Claire

On my way to Eau Claire I saw a few things. I saw a truck with a spray painted sign in front of it that said "TEXAS TRUCK". Is that supposed to make sell faster or...? You'd think you'd NOT want to buy a truck from Texas because the engine and guts would be filled with dust.

Also on the the way there I saw a yellow sign that said FOOD on one side (it was yellow with black writing) and on the other side it also said FOOD but since we read left to right the F on one side was where the D was on the other. The sun was shining on it so to me, driving by, it just said (in all capitals) BOOB. Hahahaha, I almost had to pull over cuz I was laughing so hard.

Probably your mama.

Friday, July 9, 2010

Sunny Day Quotes

We took the kids to a petting zoo and I remembered a few quotes from some of the kids. Here goes:

Upon seeing a big pile of poop in a pen: "That's a poopoo from a doodoo..."

Upon seeing a baboon sitting in a cage: "Hey! Look at that monkey's butt!" "That's not its butt, that's its beak."

Lastly, upon seeing the bird area with Turkey Vultures perched in them: "Oh look, it's a chicken turkey!"

Every time we saw an animal, they weren't too enthused about em. However, they got really excited over a tree. They all hugged it and made us take a picture. Believe me when I say there was nothing special about this tree. Also, we get to the wolf pen and they're more amazed by the hill the wolf is standing on than the wolf itself. How often do you see hills in Wisconsin? EVERYWHERE. How often do you see a wolf 10 feet from you? NEVER.

Ohhhh boy, I don't even know what to say.

Night Watchman.

Where are we?

So when the first maps for the United States came out, I wonder how people felt when they saw their city made it on the map....or didn't. It's kind of like getting the news that you made it to the next round in American Idol....or didn't. Except, this news is not as stupid or as big of a waste of my time.

Ella Fitzgerald.

Friday, July 2, 2010

Radar Love

When I drive by car dealerships late at night on long drives, it makes me feel better because all the lights are on. I don't know why.

Pamplemousse.

Monday, June 21, 2010

A note about names

I don't think I want to name my son Half-Assed Kitchen.

Dig collar.

Roadkill

Got another good one about my family:

Aunt Shirley is having her second baby and Uncle Luke is driving her to the hospital. On the way, her water breaks and seeps through her pants, which she promptly removes, a towel, and some other absorber Uncle Luke threw at her to protect the car. Anyways, she makes it there safely and Luke goes home to tend to their first child while she's in labor. Later on (I'm not sure how much later, days I'd assume) Luke comes back to the hospital and picks Shirley up. On the drive home Shirley asks Luke what he did with all the stuff her water broke on. His reply? They were wet so he chucked em out the window while he was going down the highway. Good family.

La Femme D'argent.

Thursday, June 17, 2010

My boy

More Garrett quotes:

"Just to let you know, I worry a lot."
also
"Miles, you got some dumb friends."

Then, upon meeting said dumb friend he says "You're a dungus"

Hahahaha, I love him so. Only a few more weeks til he moves, and he's not coming to Sunny Day anymore before he leaves :(

I don't want him to go.

Super Crap

Soooo a worthless super power to have would be that you could tell what song people had stuck in their head if you watched how they moved when they washed themselves in the shower. Completely and unequivocally useless.

Analyist + Therapist = Analrapist.

Thursday, June 10, 2010

Garrett

Got a couple of quotes from Sunny Day:

Me: *entering the big room, seeing all the boxes of clothes / dishes dumped ALL over the room* Garrett, what happened in here?

Garret: I farted!

Or another good one when a mom came to pick up her daughter:

Mom: Make sure when you guys put sunscreen on that you load her up, otherwise she'll fry like a paperclip in a microwave.

Hahahaha, man I love my job. I love Garrett, too. One of my most favorite boys by far. I'm going to be sad when he moves away :(

Tarnation.

Sunday, June 6, 2010

Uncle Mikey

Sooo my mom wakes up at 1am and decides to tell me stories while she's hangin out and eating chips and dip. This is how it goes: I have 3 aunts and apparently I had an uncle Mikey. Anyways, Mikey dies and they cremate him and put him in a coffee can in the trunk of their car. Uncle Mikey's ashes stay in that can for a good few months or years or some shit. One night, after the 3 aunts had been out drinkin, they get stuck in the ditch. Now, it's the dead of winter so they're stuck in the snow and they've got no traction. They're also quite intoxicated. What do they decide to do? They lay Uncle Mikey's ashes down underneath the tires and peel on out of there. Problem solved. Uncle Mikey is now one with the Earth.....and their tires. Man I love my family.

Wiggle jiggle.

Friday, June 4, 2010

Let's see how much your ass knows about flyin'

I've decided whenever I say "absolutely" I'm actually going to say it more like this:

Abso *breath* LUTELY

I'm not going to yell the last part, just emphasize it.

Abso-LUTELY.

Thursday, June 3, 2010

Yuck

Neapolitan ice cream looks gross. I don't care if they're the old standby flavors, still looks gross. Also, I drink syrup. The real stuff, not that store-bought crap.

Barrel O' Monkeys.

Irrationality

What if I go to someone's house that I've never been to and their house is EXACTLY the same as mine?

Chapstick.

A bad compliment

I have a cat named Tigger, and he's like 14. That means he's really 98 or something like that in cat years, if you believe the whole 7-to-1 ratio for cats. Or was that dogs? Either way, he's an old fart of a cat. All he does is fart around the house and sleep. Anyways, even though he's been knockin about on the Earth for quite some time, he still has a youthful face. This lead me to a 10 second or so thought process before my morning cereal that went like this:

Boy does he still have a youthful face. Does that mean cats usually don't age in the face? I think that'd be a good compliment for a woman. "You age like a cat" because then it'd be like saying their face is wrinkle free and youthful, right? No wait, women wouldn't take it like that. They'd probly think I mean the whole 7-to-1 thing and they actually look like they're 27,000 as opposed to 27. That's a bad compliment. What cereal am I eating today?

For the record, I don't remember if dogs are 7-to-1 and cats are like 5-to-1 or something like that. It's not scientific and I'm too lazy to Google.

I am a scientist.

Today's Big Profound Theory

Okay so a few posts back I wrote about the blond one I work with who thinks I'm "super hot!" Well today, as I was washing dishes and minding my own business, she starts in with this amazing theory she came up with. It goes a little something like this: They should "re-legalize marijuana because before it was illegalized" (which is not a word) "there was no cancer." Her evidence for this? "You didn't hear about all this cancer before it was illegalized." ARE YOU SHITTING ME?! I don't even know where to start to point out how many things are wrong with this sentence. I don't have 3 years to name how many flaws there are in her theory. Guess what? Cancer has ALWAYS BEEN AROUND. More causes exist, I will admit that. But she doesn't mean that at all. She just means Marijuana is the cure-all for cancer and because it's "illegalized" everyone's getting it. GUESS FUCKIN WHAT? CAVEMEN GOT CANCER TOO! Cancer has always been around and cells have always been malfunctioning and causing death. It's how things work. Just because you want to get high does not mean that it's a cure-all drug. Sorry to the people who want it legalized but you're gonna need some better fuckin advocates than Genius McAwesometheory on your side.

Rum dums.

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Sugar Smacks

So one time when I was 8 I was watching cartoons and I always ate sugar smacks with my cartoons. If you don't know what those are, look them the hell up. Anyways, my parents went to town because we were out of milk or they were gonna go watch art or some shit. Either way, I can't NOT have sugar smacks with my cartoons. Being the ingenious problem solver that I was, I decided to pour water in the bowl instead of milk. Let me tell you something, sugar smacks do NOT taste good with water. I ate em all anyways.

Chubbly bubbly.

Sunday, May 30, 2010

A note about cards

Today my grandma gave me a card that just said "Crap." on the inside. No joke. She didn't write it, the card had it written on there by the company. There was $20 inside, though, so that made up for it. My birthday was 2 months ago.

Blogs remind of that Julie & Julia movie. I hate that movie.

Root beer.

Quote #2

"I'd prefer insanity. Chaos is my niche because when nothing makes sense, everything does." -Me

Go figure.

Saturday, May 29, 2010

A note about names

I think if my first name was Carl, possibly Karl, then my last name would have to be Duikler. It's pronounced dike - ler.

Spladdap.

Friday, May 28, 2010

A note about boobs

Quality > Quantity

'Nuff said.

Good day

So I walk into work today and I meet this new woman we hired. Paying her no mind, I went to help another woman in the kitchen with whatever she needed as all the kids were tended to already. I walk in and immediately she starts telling me about how she's sick of being poor and living paycheck to paycheck and all this stuff. If you wanted to grow up and not be poor, maybe PARTYING AND SMOKING POT ALL THE TIME AND THEN HAVING THREE KIDS INSTEAD OF GOING TO COLLEGE AND GETTING AN EDUCATION was a poor 4 year plan, yeah? Sorry for being harsh but when I looked at those "Tips for Success!" posters posted around my elementary school, I don't remember seeing "Reading, Getting Your Work Done, Smoking the Bagooshky," on them.

Anyways, after being regaled by that wonderful story, she then proceeded to tell me about this movie on conspiracies that was supposed to BLOW MY MIND and OPEN MY EYES, because apparently me being 19 means I'm completely impressionable (i.e. dumb as a sack of doorknobs) and that I have no idea about what REALLY happens in the government. Obviously, because a video said it, it MUST be true. Pearl Harbor was quite obviously staged and OF COURSE the Bush family caused the stock market crash back in the 1920's on purpose. I mean, I'd probably believe all of that except for the little flaw those both have in common, being that NONE OF THAT HOLDS ANY WATER, HAS ANY CREDIBLE EVIDENCE, OR MAKES ANY GOD DAMN SENSE. I am surprised daily by the amount of crap you can jam down ignorant people's throats.

Entertaining as that was, I decided to go help someone else out with whatever they needed. As I walked by my boss' office, she yanked me in and closed the door. While fighting back howling laughter and tears, she proceeds to tell me that the new woman (the one who's 28, has two kids and a tramp stamp) thinks I'm SUPER HOT. Oh god, this is going to be a loooong summer.

Yahtzee.

Thursday, May 27, 2010

Shit people do while driving that I hate

Sooo I'm driving out of my town and there's a long stretch of straight road where it picks up to 45 mph before it hits the highway and increases to 55 mph. People use this road to gain speed and transition smoothly into the 55+ mph highway. I was nearing the final stoplight before this long stretch and there was already a minivan parked at the red. It turned green as I approached so I continued increasing in speed thinking I'd pass the van anyways and not have to worry about being stuck behind a slow person on the highway. Well what'yaknow, this person peeeeeeels out of the red light and stays ahead of me the entire time. Keep in mind that I was going 49 in this 45 zone. Alright, I give up. I'll let the van go and they'll be damn fast on the highway since they're in such a rush here, right? Nnnnope. They hit the highway and keep that 53 mph they had on the straight-a-way for the ENTIRE TIME. I'm on the high for a long time before I get to my road because I live so far out in the country. I hate you people.

Another thing I hate? People who switch lanes on the highway and don't signal. What, am I expected to know when your exalted ass is switching over and I have to move? Sorry to tell you but I've news for you: your shit does stank. You're not the only person on the highway.

Lastly, though this one doesn't suck as much, I hate it when people stay in that right turn lane that also HAPPENS to connect to the on-ramp for the highway. I stay in a normal "go straight" lane and then signal and switch over to get on the ramp. You people force me to peel out of the light or slam on the brakes to get into that lane to get on the ramp. No, I won't just give in and join you in that lane. That lane was invented to turn right. It continues because people coming OFF the ride you're SUPPOSED to be turning ONTO can then use it to get on the ramp or switch into traffic because they have a yield sign and not the light itself. It would be awkward to just stick a hunk of grass in that cement part you're not supposed to use so they put road there.

Piss.

Monday, April 5, 2010

Quote #1

Note: This is something I said/thought and decided it was worth of writing it down. That doesn't mean it was good, it just means I liked it.

"My days are defined by what I do and who I spend em with, not by some title some shmuck gave em." -Me

Looking back, I'm not sure what I was referring to but I think it was the fact that I hate most cheap, generic, cliche holidays. Also, the people that came up with em are probably schmucks. Go figure, schmucky days created by schmucky people.

Lighthouses rule.